I wrote this a while ago…. and it is extremly fitting to where i am now. Praise Jesus for grace and mercy and his NEVER ENDING love.
June 21, 2008
i was inspired by a friend of mine to write.. . so i am… just to write no reason… and here is where i feel like it can be heard or not herd but i feel like i said it out loud…
God has messed up my life and my heart so munch in the last month or so… and for a while it was going extremely well. then the high and the confidence of what i had on that mountain went away. i came back to a family i came back to the realization that i had lost friends, one very close to me.. i realized that i came back to the sickness and corruption i had been living in and when that hit me… when reality hit me… i became broken. Broken is a funny word. when you are little you have your favorite toy and it breaks you go to daddy and say “fix it daddy… ” and you hand it over to him with no hesitation and have complete confidence that “daddy” loves you and will fix your favorite toy….
broken sucks… with broken comes with vulnerable. with vulnerable comes weakness and weakness brings broken.
its a circle that when you get into it it never ends… you feel like your sinking and cant find your self.
Brokenness is almost a curse word nowa days, it is seen as weakness. why? why cant brokenness be the attractive, captivating, and beautiful thing that is used to be when god’s glory and power was made perfect in it…
tonight was the first time in a long while… i just wept… alone.. no one else… not crying.. i wept with my windows down so i could feel god all over me… i haven’t been giving him my attention.. i have been giving my current circumstances and life issues my time and energy. they bring me down to a place where i feel like he cant reach me… and i cant reach him… tonight i looked up and there were no stars.. i don’t know why i missed them so much but i truly did. i had watched the sunset tonight but didn’t even give him the glory for it then i became sad and angry for a starless night…
that may sound weird but it reps the fact that i am looking at my life wrong , my future wrong, two weeks ago i was all over my blessings and my awesome god… then he let it rain on my parade.. and i didn’t dance in it i laid face down in a puddle. im angry with myself and im angry with the way things are here… but im angry that i forget that he is so jealous for me and my love… and he is fighting for me… and i laid down…
why cant i be 4 years old and go to my heavenly father and give him my brokenness and my heart and say fix it… with out a thought or doubt that he can… why cant i see the beauty in my brokenness like i do when i see others broken.
i am beginning to see that i cant become who somone tells me lies about who i am. my spirit is his.. not to be broken by someone who was put to here to lift it up… but doesnt….
instead of sinking in brokenness i am going to sink my self in GRACE his grace… he is jealous for me… and maybe he is the only one.. but he is… he wants to fix my heart… he wants to hold my face in his hands and tell me i am beautiful.. and that i am important to his purpose.. and i want to believe that and be that woman of god i was beginning to be
who i am hates who i have become… and im gonna fix that…
