What my Heart is Going Through…

What is my heart going through?

A few weeks ago I finally figured out that I have been settling in life. I settled for justifying my sin. I settled in whom I chose as friends. I settled for good enough instead of God’s plan and desire for my life.  Why is desiring EXTRAORDINARY such a tiring task. So tiring that believers everywhere are constantly settling. They (including myself) give up and lay down their expectations on life and accept the world telling them this is as good as it gets… or this is normal.

My heart is so tired if having it easy. Nothing that is supposed to be so easy ever felt so heavy and crippling. My heart stopped searching and begging for more from God.  Instead I begged and desired more and more from life and relationships.  Another things I realized is that nothing I attain in this world will ever make me completely happy or full, content.  I not sure of how to change my life but as I enter a new year and a new semester I have decided I will not settle. I am going to search and thirst for knowledge and love from my savior! I am so excited now, but what I need prayer for is later. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

“Don’t worry about a ting, everylil’ ting is gonna be airie” this is playing as I sit here at my old home, Starbucks.  It makes me smile because it reminds me of where a huge piece of my heart is. A place where my heart never stopped reading, singing, teaching, learning, building, and searching for love of my heavenly father. Jamaica. For the past few weeks I have been preparing my heart for the task of raising the funds and prayer team it takes to get others and me back to “DO WORK SON! “ God has laid a challenge on my heart. The challenge is to raise more than just my funds. This means raising enough money to support two or three people on their mission. In these financially hard times this seems like the most impossible thing to ask for. So my heart is in constant battle with those thoughts.

I have seen the stars almost every night for the past three weeks I have been in Forsyth. I find myself getting mad at my apartment because I cannot see them. Seeing them reminds me that no matter where he is we see the same stars and we can pretend for two weeks or a month longer.  Waiting and trying and praying is all that gets me through what I have been given in this relationship. Hundreds of miles do their best to separate us.  So far all it has done is make us stronger. J Our love grows with each day but it doesn’t grow without tears and fighting to make it work! It is the most painful and tiring thing I have ever done. But NOTHING I have ever done has ever been worth it before. “It’s all for love!” RIGHT!!??

As I sit and think about how tomorrow is the last day of the longest day in the history of the world… I think about how much has really happened….

-       An amazing senior year… with a lot of pain and struggle. Becoming a family with my theater crew.

-       Drama Drama Drama

-       Two good friends/boyfriends/ Ex.) haha

-       College= New friends and experiences

-       Ellie Bowman died- love you mom!

-       Had an amazing summer with a loving family of people.

-       Figured out that teaching middle schoolers is my heart.

-       Lost my best friend… I miss her more than you can imagine.

-       Discovered some best friends do really stay forever. J BDavis

-       Found love in someone I never thought I would see again. And now I see him in my future. Everyday for everything.

-       Let go of things

-       Grew up

-       Got lost

-       And now I’m trying to find where I am.

These are my thoughts. In all honesty I am about to have coffee with my sister Sam Cole so there will be more haha

But this is what my heart is going through.

Ok so there is more to come… tomorrow… Sam Cole changed my life… and the funny thing is that all she did was show  me that I don’t have it figured out and God know best…. WOW!!! P

lease pray for direction and my heart

Do You Want A Revolution?

At Georgia State University this week there has been an uprising of voices and hearts. All different kinds of students: gay, atheists, Hindus, Catholics, Christians and any other diverse group at this school. A radical group of “Bible Beater Christians” has taken up residence in out courtyard between our major classroom buildings. For the past two days students have yelled questions, verses, beliefs and protests to this group of “preachers”.

They came onto campus with a sign that said “ATTENTION! Ear biters, Liars, Sports Fans, Hindus, Porn watchers, Fornicators, Catholics, Sinners, Marijuana Smoking devils, Druggies, (Biggest font on the sign) HOMOSEXUALS HELL AWAITS YOU!” Their message was this… God hates all sinners and condemns those who sin. If you are saved then you no longer sin. You are perfect and just like Christ. It gives you the right to judge and hate others that are not apart of the “saints”.  God is not a god of love. God does not say that all men fall short and forgiveness and mercy was freely given. God is an angry, selfish, vengeful God.

After listening for about twenty minutes I pushed my way to the front of the crowd. Standing in front of the Young Man holding his large bible and shouting these beliefs to this huge body of students and student shouting back at him. I touched his arm and said, ”Can I ask you a question?” he said yes. I said, “if you are teaching what that book says then why are you not reading from it?” He ignored my question. A student who was standing beside me stood in front of the man and looked the “preacher” and asked him to read a verse in Samuel out loud to the “congregation.” The man opened up to bible to the verse, looked up and began “reading” the verse but it was not what the words said. He made it up. HE LIED! The young man who asked this of him yelled “HE IS LYING! DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE SAYS! HE SPEAKS NO TRUTH!” the young man looked the “preacher” in the eye and said, “May God have mercy on your soul for the words you speak and what you have done today. I forgive you brother. I forgive you. May God have mercy on your soul.”

Seeing this student show such love, mercy and forgiveness to someone who possess so much hate truly knocked me back. The students around this that saw it… started chanting “GOD IS LOVE!” the entire body of student in the courtyard chanted this simple phrase. Gays, atheists, other religions and the Christians were all standing together shouting that GOD is LOVE! How amazing is that.

After the chanting quieted I asked the guy another question, “Why does your love have conditions and judgment?” He said love is not for everyone. God does not love everyone. If you break someone’s heart, they no longer deserve love. If you betray God and his teachings he said you no longer deserve the love and mercy and grace and hope and faith of God!  I closed my eyes and asked God for words. I started shouting with no anger in my voice, “LOVE IS PATIENT! LOVE IS KIND! LOVE IS NOT PROUD! LOVE IS NOT BOASTFUL! IT DOES NOT FORCE ITSELF ON OTHERS! IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS! IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS! IT DOES NOT JUDGE! IT NEVER GIVES UP! IT IS NEVE SELF SEEKING!” I kept repeating it. Others joined me.

There was a girl that I have every single class with this semester that stood next to me and told people to listen to me. The funny thing is… she doesn’t believe in God. Later that day she asked me if she could read my bible. Of course I said yes and she began turning page after page marking things she saw as FACT to use in her arguments. She was arguing the case of the love of God. I was amazed at the way these people who are spitting hate and lies can be used to lead someone to the love. I have never seen anything like it. That afternoon after class she took my bible and began to stand on the wall and shout scripture to the students in the crowd. SHE used the WORD that she claimed she didn’t believe in and SHUT UP the false words of the men that were passing judgment and anger to her fellow students. I was left captivated by how invincible and uncontainable the Love and Power and Mercy and Grace is of our GOD!

This revolution started by a group of diverse students coming together and acknowledging the fact that GOD IS LOVE. The enemy was shut up and driven out of that courtyard because the students of Georgia State University came together and loved each other.

Do you want a revolution? Do you want to see what one looks like? I did. You can. It is happening at campuses and city all over. WAKE UP! STAND UP! PRAY HARD! SPEAK LOUD! FAITH STRONG! There is no formula or pattern or way to make it happen. Just do it and believe that everything will be used to his glory!

God is love. Love Wins.

english 1101

I am a freshman. I take English 1101 as a requirement. My professor asks us to call her Cara, her first name. She is working on her dissertation. Today she started talking about exactly what she does in her scholar work. she said, “I re-write history. I intentionally screw with what ‘THEY’ say happened in History.” I was just amazed. I have always wanted to change the world but i have never seen another way to do that besides in the now or future. She changes the world that has already been! MIND BLOWING!

Isaiah 6:8-13 Is a passage that states simply, “if you send me I will go.” As simple as that statement is the question that follows is much more simple, “For how long?” God answers, “Until it is finished.” Simple, Right?

NO. I know God has called me to go. BUT am i already here. In this place where I have felt more alone in 3 weeks than i have my entire life? Is this where he sent me? Or is this where i went and need to go somewhere else. There is a need here. Myheart knows that and sees the call. Is it mine? Did i choose or was it divine?

Sometimes i feel like God gets tired of me always asking questions. FAITH and STRONG are the two things i believe i  have but making them work together is a never ending learning process for me. I have hope that i will learn to love and be loved through trusting and believing that MY GOD is a true and faithful GOD. HE will show me what is right and true and pure. My heart wants to care for him. My heart wants to LOVE this place. My Heart wants to have the will to read and listen.

Dear Heart,

Get Ready. He is breaking through. Be READY. You are about to learn all about you and what you do wrong. And you are about to see PASSION and FEEL passion and desire and run after him more than you have before. LET’S GO!

AMEN

death, life and love

death life love

these three things that are apart of our everyday lives seem to be intensified and valued the most when that first one : DEATH begins to approach life.

Death has been such a loud voice in my life these days. Frankly i am so pissed off at it.

i know God created life and death is the cycle. its the wheel of the world. Right now for alot of us, it is spinning way too fast.

Not only is death approaching me and the people i love it is coming at a time where i cannot be there with those people to tell her, the woman who spoke into our lives for so long and invested so much love in each of us, goodbye.

this feeling of helplessness has been constant. it is one of the most terrible feelings.

GOD i have been letting go so much lately. why so much sadness, negative and pain.

You have blessed with me with amazing people and gifts and conversations over the last few weeks. I praise you for that.

I don’t understand this. I want to understand. Ever since i was 4 i have wanted so much just to sit down with you and ask you WHY!? haha isn’t that funny? all i want to know is why. I don’t want you not to do these things or to make things better. i just want to understand you and your heart. so i can have the same heart. a wise understanding and trusting heart.

love always,

tired and hungry!

love always,

Wake up. It’s me, your heart. I need to have a few words with you. There is this thing you do much too often. You give me so freely to the world and life, but cannot seem to give any of me to our father. I get broken, hurt or even left behind. You have always believed them when they say “i love you, it’s okay!” I and the father inside me want to save you. Why are you running? I know you have come a long way from praying for the day a boy meant protection. The day is coming where you and I are going to be wholly  in the right place. Who were were meant to be… Three working as one. Friends will be the kind that  guard and protect me in return loving you! It is soon to be here… we have to be patient and know that our Father is holding me and you in his arms. So although my words were not few… What i mean to say is let’s start working on me and you…

Love always,

Your heart.

one day i will have the courage to write it all down.

but for now i am sorry for the days i lost my mind and the nights… the sun fell on the alter and covered us in light. I wonder if i told you how my promises would falter would you still be here tonight? maybe i should start by loving you back.

today has been a challenging day for my heart and soul and mind. God woke me up this morning of songs of his love. ad then he talked to me about how badly i always need approval. That has been something slowly revealing  itself to me in my life recently. I sat on my couch today sad and unmotivated because i felt alone and left behind because my heart was in North Carolina.  I drove to starbucks to get a coffee i have not had in about a month now, and sure enough some of the most wonderful people  were there. It was like God was saying, “here… i love you and this is what you are here for…” It took my heart from sad and useless to happy and soaring!

I went to church and got to see some amazing boys that have been such huge parts of my life over  the years and it was great. Worship was all about God’s love and how I AM FREE to LIVE FOR HIM! my heart is so on fire for worship and leading middle schoolers and this new opportunity God is putting in my life.

Today has been a struggle. But today i realized why i love the songHallelujah so much!!!

its all about how david played his music to recieve approval form god and how sin was there, love was there, life was there… it is humanity and god and music all in one melody.

Dear today,

you are almost at an end. Thank you for being apart of my life. And being the day that i realized i am on my way to becoming what god created me to be. PRAISE GOD IN HIS VICTORY! LOVE WINS and LOVE IS HERE!

yours for now,

Brave.

the F bomb

I went to the FC unexpectadly and the series is called “The F Bomb”. each week  they pick an F word and teach on it. This weeks word was “forgivness”

it hit me hard. NOTES:

Wounds become baggage. Mat 6:14/ the baggage prevents you from becoming who you are meant to be. It will effect every relationship you encounter. TRUTH: unforgivness will prevent you from your walk with God, moving on. There is not enough room for both ad GOD will show himself away from you if you choose unforgivness.  Time will not heal the wounds or cancel the baggage. It will only make it worse and CONSUME you. Forgivness is freeing them in return freeing you. It is about YOU. not them. THEY WILL NOT DESERVE IT. It is a choice made by the power of God. “Trust me with your life and let go and find PEACE and REST!” Like Paul: “i forget what is behind me…”

i have to forgive the hurt i have held onto. I do not want to. I know i have to. Therefore that has become a want.  A broken heart will be finally healed from a night, a lie, and weeks of telling myself I forgave him and I was good enough… all that will be over and forgotten and DONE. I will find REST PEACE and LOVE. I can move on

“pray hard”

restless

I am restless

I worry in situations where I feel I need to do something to fix it.

After the first week of camp, my heart came back different. I am in a new situation and i am not “worried” like always. It is an amazing feeling to rely on the peace God provides with all my heart.  I have never felt so okay with the unknown in my life. NOT ONLY am I okay, I am joyful in it. My prayer and desperate cry is that I can keep it alive and growing in my heart.

A very close friend gave me a verse to read. Little did he know it would become my air and saving grace for the entire week. It was what truely showed me the promise of peace when you pray and praise God.

Dear Summer,

YOU have begun and already taken my heart for the first hill of the ride! I am ready for life, laughing, learning and I am ready for love! ANY shape, form, or fashion. Hit me with your best shot. I WANT a challenge, I NEED an adventure, I DESIRE the peace and love of the new. Open road and Open mind and Open heart packed and ready to go… HERE I COME! praise and victory to HIM!

yours truely,

ready, waiting, and RESTLESS.

Awake.

My heart is awake.

My eyes are awake.

Never have I felt so intently.

Never have I seen so clearly.

The desires and the love that I have been ignoring in my heart are awake and stirring in my soul.

My Mouth will not wait long before shouting these words.

I love ____.

this blank could be: you, God, Music, Kids, Him, friends, singing, painting, life, love, and worship.

How can i keep from singing, or praising, or taking that chance to love?

towards love and not away from fear.

Is that the path i will choose? OR will i remain silent and trsut him to do everything for me. I do not know which one is God’s desires.

I will rest in peace for I AM has awoken inside of me and passion and change is becoming restless.

Pray hard.

Towards LOVE and NOT away from fear.

Firefly…

So many memories there… hurts, love, fights, regrets, and best days. Why is it so peaceful for me to go there to that small patch of grass under that tree by the dam?That is where ill be, reliving those memories. I long for this place. My heart can feel it when it has been too long.

God loves love right? I read today that  “God loves love, and His ability to repair it will forever exceed our ability to deserve it.” Is it awful for me to put hope in that promise. I do not deserve love… but my desire for it is almost ridiculous at times. I have been focusing on falling more in love with God and his love more than ever lately. But one day made me remember love that was possibly OF GOD once. A love that was lost and broken. 

How are we sure what love is? How do we know what love is worth fighting for and if it was fleeting and ready to pass by? Is love, “stars exploding when someone is near and getting butterflies?” or is it, “pain never ceasing until his arms are around you and you are safe?” or simply, “my heart was formed for him and only him, we are one and one whole entity with the binding love of Christ”

i am alone. 

Can I sit a while with you? Can you hold me in your arms? Can Icome to you with words so few and rest inside your ams?

Can I listen to your heart? Can I feel it beat with mine? I’ve come to love the way you cover me with who you are.

Can I listen to your heart? What a better friend? What a better Father?  No greater King. No other Savior. My only God. a perfect LOVER.  Here  I am for YOU! 

 

 

As i was writting one day in my January 23, 2009 i wrote:

“How great is your love for me? … the beat that makes my heart thirsty for more. Thirsty for the love that makes me so content just to be loved by God alone. There is that word again. What does it mean? What is it to be alone? Why are we as humans so afraid of it? I sit and think about the fear in that i think ‘i cast all my fears upon you lord!’ Towards love and NOT away from fear. As i ask why.. i realize life has the upper hand because God is love and life. One cannot exist without the other. He is also light… then why so much darkness. Life seems so dark when nothing can be seen in front of us. I write as though my worries and pain is not worthy of God. They are… he is waiting for me to give it to him to fulfill his promise ‘to heal and fix the love….’ I have to give it to him. I AM. My heart needs to hush and listen.”

My heart needs to wait… MORE even thought it has waited for so long. My heart needs to listen. My heart needs to desire love of God and rely on the promise of my one true lover.

                            

If you find yourself here on my side of town, I’d pray that you’d come to my door, Talk to me like you don’t know what we ever fought about and she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar